You’re doing it all wrong…

The Dancing Pony pickup line of the week is…

Last weekend I had to help out a friend when a pipe burst and flooded their house, which precluded getting the pickup line posted. There’s a chance you might read about that event in the future.

A pretty woman was sitting at the bar alone.

She told the bartender she just wanted to have a couple of drinks and be left alone. Our bartender gave her a dubious look and said “I’m happy to help, ma’am, but a pretty lady like you, drinking alone in a place like the Dancing Pony… We’re going to be really busy with that second request.”

With a blush on her cheeks and a shake of her head, she replied, “You’re really sweet to say that. I hope I don’t cause you any trouble but I’m just not in the mood for company right now.”

“It shall be done, fair lady.”

She smiled and nodded her thanks.

Our bartenders are good at running interference for the ladies so we kept her from being bothered.

A little while later a tall cowboy came in and sat down a couple of seats from the woman and ordered a drink. He asked the bartender who she was and if he could buy her a drink.

The bartender said, “Well, friend, she’s with someone. In order to keep the peace, I’m gonna tell you that probably wouldn’t be a good idea.”

The cowboy nodded in understanding and the bartender went about his business.

After about 15 or 20 minutes the cowboy slid a note he’d scribbled on a cocktail napkin to the woman.

It read, “You’re doing it all wrong.”

The lady frowned at it it, gave the cowboy a disinterested look, and wadded up the note. A little while later he passed her another note. This one said,

“There’s an art to it.”

The lady glanced at it, gave the cowboy an annoyed look, and wadded up the note. A little while later he passed her a third note. This one said,

“I can coach you if you need help.”

Finally the lady turned and looked at the persistent cowboy and in a harried tone said, “WHAT? What is it that you think I need help with?”

The cowboy leaned close and quietly replied, “Well, it’s obvious to me that you’re not with anyone, as the bartender suggested. But it looks like you could use some help with the art of drinking alone. If you don’t want to talk, I’ll be happy to let you observe my technique for the rest of the evening.”

She answered, “How do you know I’m not waiting for someone. Maybe they’re just late.”

The cowboy shook his head. “Your body language isn’t showing any anticipation. It’s telling me you’re depressed. If you want me to,

I can sit with you and keep all these other guys away, you know, just until you figure out how to drink alone.

Once you have it down, you won’t need me anymore. But trust me when I say it’s going to take you a while to learn.”

Looking unsure of how to react, she said, “Oh really? You think I’m that slow?”

The cowboy shook his head. “No ma’am.

I think you’re that beautiful.

Developing the proper ‘back off’ attitude will probably take a long time for you, because you’re obviously attracting bees like pretty flowers, but I’m committed to it as long as you are.”

The lady smiled for the first time that evening. “Okay, Coach, what do I do first?”

The cowboy said, “Well, if it doesn’t make you to uncomfortable, I have to sit next to you. You know, just so you can observe up close. Plus, it will keep others away so you can concentrate.”

She gestured to the seat beside her. “Okay, now what?”

He sat next to her and then said, “Now you have to learn how to project a look of confidence. Adopt an attitude like you don’t need anyone else around in order to fit into your surroundings. You know, like you own the place or something.”

She put a comical, overconfident look on her face and said, “How’s this?”

The cowboy grinned and said, “Well, it’s okay…if you want to keep me or Foghorn Leghorn from hitting on you—but it wouldn’t work with all these other guys.”

She burst into laughter and then said, “That’s a relief, because I’ve always been a Bugs Bunny fan myself. Plus,

I wouldn’t want to repel you since you have been so helpful and all.”

She gave him a soft, thankful look, took his hand, and said, “I really did want to be left alone tonight, but it turns out a little laughter is just what I needed. Thank you for being so sweet.”

The cowboy squeezed her hand and said, “You’re welcome, pretty lady. You really did look like you could use some cheering up.”

She blushed again and said, “I know I’m not a beauty queen. You and the bartender are the first men to compliment me like that in years.”

He shook his head like he couldn’t believe that. “Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with the men you know, but the guys in here obviously agree with me or you wouldn’t have had any trouble being left alone”

“Thank you. I needed to hear that.” In a soft voice, she added, “Even if I don’t really buy it.”

Looking determined, the cowboy got up and offered her his hand. “Darlin’, if you’d dance with me, I could go into more detail on just how beautiful you really are—unless you still want to continue with the lessons.”

She paused for a beat, bit her lip as if making a decision, and let him help her from her chair. “No, I don’t think I want to be left alone anymore tonight.

At least not by you.”

He led her out to the dance floor and they danced off and on the rest of the evening, and walked out together at closing. I don’t know what happened after that but there was a VW Passat left in the parking lot overnight.

©Heather Rainier 2018

~~~